Juno vs. Jennifer's Body



Match-up Created.

Megan Fox and Ellen Page were really about as perfect in their respective roles as I suspect anyone could have been expected to be (boo-ya! on the suffix play). I don't know why I am mentioning that, I guess I just want to point out that Megan Fox is basically awesome. Whatever. Jennifer's Body did kind of seem like Diablo Cody had basically just gone from releasing a lyrical rap album for Shady Records to spitting a wack freestyle filled with unused, throw-away lines for Shade 45. Jennifer's Body had a far superior conclusion however (no happy-go-wish-wish crap there), but it's the dialogue that makes or breaks both of these digital yarns. So I gotta do the obvious...

Megan Fox blows my mind (which is the best I'm ever going to get, presumably). She exists beyond criticism, because I don't even think she's human. More of an Ideal (physically, anyway). Ellen Page is actually likable sometimes (like in Whip It!), so I have nothing against her, really. Juno is one of the worst movies I've ever seen, though. Nothing that happens in it seems genuine or honest. Characters and situations are subjugated to Diablo Cody's dialogue, and so believability gets shat upon. (The scene with the ultrasound technician is lazy, self-serving BS, for example. Maybe the movie should've explained why Juno recklessly and pointlessly disregarded the simple process of using a prophylactic instead of trying to distract viewers with the forced evil technician crap. The whole story is built on stupidity. Was she on the Pill, at least? Is that even addressed?) Anyway, Jennifer's Body isn't that annoying, by comparison. I laughed without reservation a few times. I'm not an Amanda Seyfried fan, so that brought the movie down more than anything else. The interactions and dialogue were far less irritating and phony by far, and I liked the story a lot more. Jennifer's Body easily takes this.

Yes, let the Megan Fox praise continue until the sun beams no more and the quantum fabric of the universe has been replaced by hemp. (Wait, didn't you say you liked the curvier chicas, à la Carmella Bing? Sounds like a moronic question but how is it, then, that our beloved, tight, taught and slender Megan has perched her perfect peach upon the throne of the Kingdom O'Pain?) Juno IS a stupid story. In fact, if it wasn't for the premium grade phoniness - of both the dialogue and the delivery - Juno would have been, not only dumb in its foundation, but an incomparably emotional festival of suck. I won't have that; I generally hate that mushy shit so for me the hipster script is an effective out. Phoniness (in one form or another) is often a plus for me anyway. Obviously I like Page too but I don't know about this Whip It! stuff though. That movie defines the formulaic, count the cliches, no vision screenplay. It's like they took ALL of the generic points of sports dramas and coming of age dramas and adequately threw them together in a medium sized bowl of uninspired averageness. All they did was replace dudes with chicks (plain looking ones for the most part) and then picked a slightly obscure sport. The disproportionately high praise that Whip It! received from critics (and maybe the masses) makes me think that positive discrimination is swinging at full force. Man, they already have the vote, driving licenses and the power to usurp our dolla dolla bills at the bat of an eyelash and the flash of a bit... do we gotta give 'em compensated movie reviews too? Oh tha huMANity!

There are so many shapes and sizes out there... to stick to just one Ideal is impossible. Carmella Bing represents my Ideal for a full-figured pornographic performer. Megan Fox is my Ideal unbelievably hot actress who maybe needs some more acting classes. With that Whip It! movie, I can't say I disagree with the whole lacking vision thing. I wish they would have made it more violent, or thrown in some darker humor. Ellen Page warmed my heart, regardless. Whip It! isn't the greatest movie, but it passes the time pleasantly and it's the only flick that I genuinely like Ellen Page in. Like, I felt she was wasted in Inception and insufferable in Juno. But I blame the movies, not her. I guess maybe I'm more forgiving of Whip It! because of the traumatic experience of seeing Juno. Sort of like how you're forgiving of Juno because it's uniquely crappy...? Perhaps I like Whip It! because it wasn't uniquely anything, and Ellen just got to be a sweet, wee lass who roughhoused a bit. Whip It! is kind of a cute movie, don't you think?

Ah yes. A true connoisseur of the jugs must sip from the entire spectrum of cups, or something. Of course many a dude would rather stick to type than work on a rotational/full system of babe appreciation, so you see my confusion. RE Juno: No, I just like the idea of taking an inherently serious issue and then offering it up with an apathetic/aloof kinda delivery (intentionally or otherwise). I guess for me the dialogue is quite enjoyable, not just for being cavalier and robbing (half) the film of its sentimentality but on its own merit too. Dumbass story, fun lines. I mean I prefer when dialogue is more Tarantino or Kevin Smithesque (with unecessary profanity mixed with verbosity) but Juno's alright too. RE Whip It!: Yeah cute's not really my thing but I guess I can see how it might be heart-warming to some folk. I think the only time I've embraced cuteness was when watching a Japanese movie called Cutie Honey (half of it anyway). It's soooo dumb and sooo remorselessly cute. Just one of those happy-happy-happy movies for me (like Bandidas is for you).

Juno is far superior.

Juno even tho I hate Ellen Page.