
By now, we’ve all had a good chuckle at the leaked Paramount memo showcasing the studio’s terrible slate of upcoming projects, including kiddie caper comedy Dunderheads and the criminally unnecessary Zoolander 2. Funny stuff, for sure, but I can’t help feel a tad slighted by this document’s instant popularity. After all, I’ve been coming up with shitty film ideas on my Twitter account, @MoviesIWannaSee, for almost a year now! Are you really gonna sit there and tell me my idea for a Jake Gyllenhaal Woodsy Owl biopic isn’t as hilariously stupid as Baywatch: The Movie? That’s cold.
To try and help remind people that I am the original shitty movie machine, I’ve compiled a brand new special list for Flickchart of wretched cinematic visions I honestly hope come to pass in my lifetime. Hopefully you Flickcharters will enjoy this selection of ideas, but honestly I’m hoping more that someone from Paramount accidentally reads this between cocaine snorts off the ol’ iPad and gives me a development deal. Fingers crossed!
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More or less The Bourne Identity but with a female in the lead. Thankfully, that female is Angelina Jolie, hopefully making the movie fun and watchable.
Now that you’ve seen it, do you need help ranking it? Click the links below to directly rank it against these similar movies of varying quality to get started:
Disney’s current flavor of the month, Selena Gomez, in an adaptation of the best-selling books by Beverly Cleary.
Now that you’ve seen it, do you need help ranking it? Click the links below to directly rank it against these similar movies of varying quality to get started:
From the director of the very solid movie Bronson, comes a vicious looking Viking movie. Watch the trailer, the movie looks gorgeously brutal. It currently is winning 65% of Flickchart battles.
A quasi-sequel to Todd Solondz’s Happiness. I’ve never seen that movie but am aware of its reputation as a comedic and disturbing look at life.
Ronald Reagan called the event this flick is based on, “one of the most important espionage cases of the 20th century.” It’s been playing around festivals and has a 63% win rate on Flickchart right now.
This a humongous week of releases. The quantity of new DVDs and Streaming Netflix movies to watch is absolutely staggering. Netflix specifically, which keeps on pumping out solid movies for unlimited streaming. Some highlights this week from Netflix include: Zombieland, Sleepless in Seattle, Black Dynamite (my 3rd favorite film from 2009), and my personal #3 favorite movie of all-time, No Way Out.
Hot Tub Time Machine – (DVD and Blu-ray)
Flickchart Ranking: #4396
Times Ranked: 2728
% Times Won: 65.17%
Times Top 20′d: 2
I saw this in theaters and absolutely loved it. Once our heroes commented on how “tight” the first girls they see are when they make it back to the 80′s (exactly as I was in my head just a split second earlier), I knew I was going to enjoy the ride.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief – (DVD and Blu-ray)
Flickchart Ranking: #5776
Times Ranked: 1851
% Times Won: 44.24%
Times Top 20′d: 3
Greek Mythology for the Harry Potter crowd.
The Crazies – (DVD and Blu-ray)
Flickchart Ranking: #4523
Times Ranked: 2575
% Times Won: 59.22%
Times Top 20′d: 3
Very surprised to see this ranking so well, might have to give it a shot now…
Creation – (DVD)
Flickchart Ranking: #9265
Times Ranked: 88
% Times Won: 59.61%
Times Top 20′d: 0
Charles Darwin Biopic. Critical reviews have made it out to be pretty dull but Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly certainly are a watchable duo.
The White Ribbon – (DVD and Blu-ray)
Flickchart Ranking: #4350
Times Ranked: 1513
% Times Won: 76.96%
Times Top 20′d: 5
Director Michael Haneke of Caché and Funny Games fame directs this fantastic Foreign Language Oscar Nominee.
We picked a pretty lousy two week stretch to open this column with. Last week’s biggest release did $1.7 million at the US box office and this week’s hit $8 million. By all accounts Bad Lieutenant and Pirate Radio (aka The Boat That Rocked) are good movies, they just aren’t that sexy to kick a column off with (well, aside from stars Eva Mendes and January Jones).
So, here are this week’s new DVD, Blu-ray, and Netflix Instant Watch titles. Each film will include their Flickchart global statistics (when available), as well as three direct links to rank the title against similar movies (one good, one average and one bad) to help nail down where the movie belongs on your chart.