Movies I, You, & Everyone Else Should Wanna See
By now, we’ve all had a good chuckle at the leaked Paramount memo showcasing the studio’s terrible slate of upcoming projects, including kiddie caper comedy Dunderheads and the criminally unnecessary Zoolander 2. Funny stuff, for sure, but I can’t help feel a tad slighted by this document’s instant popularity. After all, I’ve been coming up with shitty film ideas on my Twitter account, @MoviesIWannaSee, for almost a year now! Are you really gonna sit there and tell me my idea for a Jake Gyllenhaal Woodsy Owl biopic isn’t as hilariously stupid as Baywatch: The Movie? That’s cold.
To try and help remind people that I am the original shitty movie machine, I’ve compiled a brand new special list for Flickchart of wretched cinematic visions I honestly hope come to pass in my lifetime. Hopefully you Flickcharters will enjoy this selection of ideas, but honestly I’m hoping more that someone from Paramount accidentally reads this between cocaine snorts off the ol’ iPad and gives me a development deal. Fingers crossed!
COOL AS ICE 2: THE BIG THAW. Divorced white rapper (Vanilla Ice) must compete in “tri-rap-a-thon” to raise money for daughter’s operation; central conflict revolves around protagonist getting approved time off from his job as a stocker at Home Depot.
SON IN LAW 2: CHRISTMAS WITH CRAWL. Hapless surfer dude (Pauly Shore) teaches small town the true meaning of Christmas while running a skateboard camp for dogs. Soundtrack by 311, Bob Marley, Brian Setzer Orchestra.
DMV 3D. When his license expires, a schlubby man from Boise (Patton Oswalt) must brave the pitfalls of the Motor Vehicle Department in time to drive to work Monday morning. Soundtrack by Debbie Boone, the Osmonds.
STAR WARS EPISODE VIII: NIEN NUNB STRIKES BACK. Lando Calrissian’s co-pilot takes the Rebel Alliance to court over bounced paychecks; Chewbacca reveals to R2-D2 the secret tryst he had with the droid’s mother. Cameo by Kevin Costner as his character from Waterworld.
COUNTRY BUMPKINS. Young couple (Jessica Simpson, Ashton Kutcher) must adjust to big city life when a previously unknown relative wills them a fast food chain spread throughout downtown Peoria. Directed by Fred Savage.
INFLATABLE RAGE AT GATE 22: THE STEVEN SLATER STORY. Disgruntled flight attendant (Paul Giamatti) goes to extraordinary lengths to escape plane for sexual rendezvous in Far Rockaway, NY. Cameos by Meredith Baxter as Passenger 32, Wesley Snipes as Passenger 57, Jonathan Frakes as Number One.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL DONNYBROOK. Reality TV-style film wherein fifteen tipsy young men are chosen at random from street, locked in room with wine coolers, and encouraged to discuss the athletic achievements of their respective alma maters. Soundtrack by Slayer, Disturbed.
SUPERMAN GOES ONE-ON-ONE WITH KAREEM. The Man of Steel (Brandan Routh) must compete against Hall of Fame basketballer on a court made of Kryptonite to determine the fate of the world. Directed by Bryan Singer. Cameos by Michael Keaton as Batman, Darryl Dawkins as Braniac.
GERALD FORD’S FRIDAY NIGHT DANCE MACHINE. Former president (Will Ferrell) opens community center in rural Michigan that attracts troubled youth and one angry developer (Charles Grodin) who wants to knock it down in favor of a highway. Soundtrack by Donna Summer.
SCI FI CONVENTION: THE MOVIE. A 90-minute first-person simulation of standing in line waiting to get Stan Lee’s autograph and/or shake Dirk Benedict’s hand. Smell-o-vision technology allows audience members to experience the wonders of other convention goer’s B.O.
WHAT’S EATING GLENN BECK? Controversial talk show host fears he has tape worm, simulcasts weepy speech about it nationwide in movie theaters.
CIRCLE GETS THE SQUARE: THE JOHN DAVIDSON STORY. Helmet-haired game show host (Matt Damon) takes up bodybuilding after relentless taunts from “center square” Paul Lynde (Sean Hayes). Directed by Ben Affleck.
LINCOLN’S GHOST BE TRIPPIN’. Bedlam breaks out in the White House when deceased emancipator discovers Ronald Reagan’s secret stash of Run-DMC records.
This post is part of our User Showcase series. You can find James as jg2 on Flickchart, at his blog, and at MoviesIWannaSee on Twitter. If you’re interested to submit your own story or article describing your thoughts about movies and Flickchart, read our original post for how to become a guest writer here on the Flickchart Blog.